spam. we all get it. we all hate it. but what if spam was AWESOME? for some reason a friend of mine has been getting the best spam emails i’ve ever seen, and i have to admit i’m fucking jealous. they are so fucking well written and hilarious i wish i got them. examples:
“Do you want to see beautiful women taking a dump in magician hats? Do you want to see hot studs cumming all over their broccoli? Loose women and well hung beefcakes making magic happen in our kitchen. New cabinets and countertops can make a huge difference in even the smallest of kitchens. Call us today to get pricing from a licensed contractor in your area to discuss home improvement options. Pancake titties are sexy, but only the pope knows how to smoke them. I’d buy THAT FOR A DOLLAR!”
“My pants. My pants. You can get into my pants. Get instant access to Danny Devito, human toilets and pistachio ice cream. Your mom will feel like she’s in David Bowie’s warm soft pudding, and your sister will thank the heavens for your Beethoven CDs. Got a minute? I’ll give you a mile. Got two? I’ll shove it up your ass and call you the next morning. Find quality service, superior products and helpful advice for all your home improvement needs at Lowe’s. Shop for appliances, paint, patio furniture, tools and more on your iPad. Your hymen will tingle at these low prices. Your pants are now my pants. I told you you’d be in my pants. Get it? You will.”
“I grew up in south-central Los Angeles. I was born and raised on the streets, as a tough bitch who took no crap. That all changed the day I got a Gucci handbag. The sun shines more brightly on my slick bald cunt and my puckered corn hole never tasted so good. You think you can’t have this? You can. The Plastics Division of the American Chemistry Council (ACC) represents leading manufacturers of plastic resins. We may not think about them often, but versatile plastics inspire countless innovations that help make life better, healthier and safer every day. Polish your back door and simmer your poon hole while your man slaps your ass cheeks. I’m a fucking filthy girl in bed and you are too.”
“I want to suck on your clit! Ladies, that’s what you’ll be hearing after your man sees you with a new rolex! Flappy labia is no excuse not to live in style, let alone eggs and ham. Clitoral stimulation is an important part of any couple’s lovemaking, and you’ll be leaking wet and jumping for joy after your new Cartier slaps across your wet gash. Ke$ha said it best, huge clits mean lifelong love. Don’t miss this opportunity to stroke your ladycock.”